Why are people criticized when others think that their plans to ‘change’ a person are bad? Change can be good, if both parties are willing, have the best of intentions, and though sometimes the reasoning may be selfish, for the most part they are purely out of love for the individual, helping them not only to contribute to society by becoming a better person, but contributing and influencing the next generation with their partner as a viable, positive and successful team.
There are several thousand blogs posted daily across cyber space discussing relationships – the whose, whats, wheres and whys of love, staying together, maintaining the relationship and breaking up. Here is my two cents on change.
I’ve heard time and time again that men cannot, and should not be considered a ‘ project’ in a relationship. How about the classic, age old debate that women (or men) marry the other with expectations to change them after the vows have been said, the broom has been jumped, and the relationship has been consummated?
For a variety of reasons that I do respect, I’ve believed for years the old adage that you can’t change a leopard’s spots, or you can take a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. But what is wrong with change, when after bringing the person you love into a relationship, planting a seed to make him or her or better person?
What about religious conversions? There is a scripture in Corinthians in the King James Version of the bible that states that if the wife is saved, eventually her Christian attitude will influence the husband to be saved.
How about weight management? When you are a team of two or more, ‘hanging around’ a person who is more apt to stay away from fast food and prepare healthy meals will not only influence a poor eater with better results, but also weight loss, a better diet and eventually better health.
Any smokers? After years of studies, scholars have proved without a shadow of a doubt that smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, and other life threatening diseases. A person who truly loves another in a relationship will ultimately voice their opinion as to the dangers of this habit and hopefully convince them to quit before their body takes on tobacco related diseases and other incurable illnesses.
What about Drug abuse, alcoholism, viewing pornography, cheating, lying, addictions to bad or poor social habits? Encouraging someone to return to school to learn a trade? Or suggestions to simply improve their social, speaking and etiquette skills and manners?
The next time you hear a criticizing whisper that someone you know wants to change someone, think deeply about the proposed transition. That change may ultimately save a healthy relationship with their partner and may also save their life.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Paths We Cross: Back Down Memory Lane
At last census, there were 9,818,605 people in the county of Los Angeles.
What are the chances of crossing paths with a person you met 45 years ago who was married to your father’s brother’s wife’s nephew? Does that make you related? I’m thinking that at the time she would have been my cousin-in-law. Maybe not.
But it is amazing still of the paths we cross and the coincidences or the chance meetings that occur throughout our lives.
This week I attended a ‘Gold’ party at a very good friend’s house. My friend, whom I will respect her privacy, knows how to throw parties, and she’s a great cook, so when she sent the evite, I accepted, mainly to snag a slice of her pound cake and munch on her famous fried chicken. The night before the party, she reminded me to dig into my jewelry box and bring my old, unwanted and even broken gold jewelry. After getting dressed I dug through a dusty jewelry box with jewelry I kept saying I was going to get fixed, threw a few pieces in my cosmetic bag and headed over with the intention of socializing with old friends (I’m not recruiting, by the way for a Gold party, so please keep reading).
Several hundred dollars later, with a big smile and a happy tummy, in appreciation I handed the ‘Gold Vendor' a complimentary signed copy of my book. She read the cover, looked at me and said, ‘I know some Gants.’ I told her they were probably my relatives, so we began to draw a mental twig (not a tree, just a twig). It turned out that she was married to my father’s brother’s wife’s nephew. What was fun about this, was that she reminisced about their wedding reception, in 1966. I was present at the same reception, at the tender young age of five. But I remember it distinctly because my brothers played a prank on me that we still laugh about and remember to this day.
Because I was the only little girl there, I was allowed to sit in the living room with the grown ups. My mother had taught us that children should be seen and not heard, so I sat quietly with my hands in my lap while my two brothers, acting as tykes usually do, jumping, running and tussling, played outside.
A little while later my brothers, whispering, walked through the living room and called me into the kitchen, where laid out on the table were beautiful arrangements of hor d'oeuvres. My brothers turned to me and said politely, “Do you want some grapes?” Of course I said yes, pleased that they weren’t teasing me and that they were behaving quite nicely without my parents in the same room. They pointed to the dish of ‘grapes’ and stood back. Their immediate retreat should have been a hint and a half, but I was so impressed with their desire to ‘share’ that I took a handful and plopped them into my mouth. I turned around and looked at them both, and they were bent over laughing as hard as they could. They traumatized me, and to this day, I will not allow olives on my menu.
Back to my story: Again, it is amazing the paths we cross and the people we meet. My uncle is no longer married to his wife of 1966, and the Gold Vendor is no longer married to his ex-wife’s nephew. But she was such a nice and pleasant person, that I like to think that we were cousins at one time, reunited under the circumstances of chance.
When was the last time you took a walk down memory lane? Pick up the phone, call a loved one or friend, and make them smile with a sweet memory.
What are the chances of crossing paths with a person you met 45 years ago who was married to your father’s brother’s wife’s nephew? Does that make you related? I’m thinking that at the time she would have been my cousin-in-law. Maybe not.
But it is amazing still of the paths we cross and the coincidences or the chance meetings that occur throughout our lives.
This week I attended a ‘Gold’ party at a very good friend’s house. My friend, whom I will respect her privacy, knows how to throw parties, and she’s a great cook, so when she sent the evite, I accepted, mainly to snag a slice of her pound cake and munch on her famous fried chicken. The night before the party, she reminded me to dig into my jewelry box and bring my old, unwanted and even broken gold jewelry. After getting dressed I dug through a dusty jewelry box with jewelry I kept saying I was going to get fixed, threw a few pieces in my cosmetic bag and headed over with the intention of socializing with old friends (I’m not recruiting, by the way for a Gold party, so please keep reading).
Several hundred dollars later, with a big smile and a happy tummy, in appreciation I handed the ‘Gold Vendor' a complimentary signed copy of my book. She read the cover, looked at me and said, ‘I know some Gants.’ I told her they were probably my relatives, so we began to draw a mental twig (not a tree, just a twig). It turned out that she was married to my father’s brother’s wife’s nephew. What was fun about this, was that she reminisced about their wedding reception, in 1966. I was present at the same reception, at the tender young age of five. But I remember it distinctly because my brothers played a prank on me that we still laugh about and remember to this day.
Because I was the only little girl there, I was allowed to sit in the living room with the grown ups. My mother had taught us that children should be seen and not heard, so I sat quietly with my hands in my lap while my two brothers, acting as tykes usually do, jumping, running and tussling, played outside.
A little while later my brothers, whispering, walked through the living room and called me into the kitchen, where laid out on the table were beautiful arrangements of hor d'oeuvres. My brothers turned to me and said politely, “Do you want some grapes?” Of course I said yes, pleased that they weren’t teasing me and that they were behaving quite nicely without my parents in the same room. They pointed to the dish of ‘grapes’ and stood back. Their immediate retreat should have been a hint and a half, but I was so impressed with their desire to ‘share’ that I took a handful and plopped them into my mouth. I turned around and looked at them both, and they were bent over laughing as hard as they could. They traumatized me, and to this day, I will not allow olives on my menu.
Back to my story: Again, it is amazing the paths we cross and the people we meet. My uncle is no longer married to his wife of 1966, and the Gold Vendor is no longer married to his ex-wife’s nephew. But she was such a nice and pleasant person, that I like to think that we were cousins at one time, reunited under the circumstances of chance.
When was the last time you took a walk down memory lane? Pick up the phone, call a loved one or friend, and make them smile with a sweet memory.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Asian & Pacific Heritage Month
There was such an excellent interview discussed on the Wave Radio Station with Lady DJs Pat and Kim that I had to pass it along. To hear the entire interview, please visit the link below. Happy Asian Pacific Heritage Month!
The month of May was dedicated to celebrating all the Asian and Pacific islanders who now call the U.S. home for the Asian and Pacific Heritage Month. Some of the most notable Asian and Pacific natives who’ve contributed their amazing talents to the arts and culture in America include the amazing cellist Yo-Yo Ma, novelist Amy Tan, the first Asian in space Ellison Onizuka, and of course the dynamic husband and wife duo that makes up American-Japanese fusion group Hiroshima.
Dan and June Kuramoto came in to speak about how their Japanese heritage influences their music and give their reactions to the disastrous earthquake and Tsunami that crippled their homeland in March. Listen to their extended interview with Pat & Kim and hear their amazing stories about their ancestry.
Dan and June Kuramoto’s rich Asian heritage is prevalent in their American-Japanese fusion music, and the creative masterminds behind the group Hiroshima joined Pat & Kim to share stories on how important their ancestry is.
They shared stories of growing up in Southern California and the history parents and grandparents being in internment camps, plus they got us up to date on the latest insights on what’s going on back home in Japan. Listen to their extended interview and stories on their rich heritage as Asian and Pacific Heritage Month comes to a close.
Read more: Dan And June Kuramoto Of Hiroshima Celebrate Asian And Pacific Heritage Month http://947thewave.radio.com/2011/05/31/dan-and-june-kuramoto-of-hiroshima-celebrate-asian-and-pacific-heritage-month/#ixzz1Nwwii93q
The month of May was dedicated to celebrating all the Asian and Pacific islanders who now call the U.S. home for the Asian and Pacific Heritage Month. Some of the most notable Asian and Pacific natives who’ve contributed their amazing talents to the arts and culture in America include the amazing cellist Yo-Yo Ma, novelist Amy Tan, the first Asian in space Ellison Onizuka, and of course the dynamic husband and wife duo that makes up American-Japanese fusion group Hiroshima.
Dan and June Kuramoto came in to speak about how their Japanese heritage influences their music and give their reactions to the disastrous earthquake and Tsunami that crippled their homeland in March. Listen to their extended interview with Pat & Kim and hear their amazing stories about their ancestry.
Dan and June Kuramoto’s rich Asian heritage is prevalent in their American-Japanese fusion music, and the creative masterminds behind the group Hiroshima joined Pat & Kim to share stories on how important their ancestry is.
They shared stories of growing up in Southern California and the history parents and grandparents being in internment camps, plus they got us up to date on the latest insights on what’s going on back home in Japan. Listen to their extended interview and stories on their rich heritage as Asian and Pacific Heritage Month comes to a close.
Read more: Dan And June Kuramoto Of Hiroshima Celebrate Asian And Pacific Heritage Month http://947thewave.radio.com/2011/05/31/dan-and-june-kuramoto-of-hiroshima-celebrate-asian-and-pacific-heritage-month/#ixzz1Nwwii93q
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The Domino Effect
Daily, I catch a snippet of the news throughout my neighborhood, the surrounding cities and the metropolitan city of Los Angeles. Either driving or riding the train, there appears to be a profound sense of sadness and dispair because of our economy, our justice system and yes, relationships. Within the last thirty days, I listened with great sadness to two separate tragic stories of two angry men who killed their ex-girlfriends and a male friend of hers. We hear regularly of love triangles, rejected lovers and affairs, but this particular story caught my interest for a number of reasons: I was curious as to the root cause that spurred both parties' anger; and I discovered in each tragic incident that I knew at least one of the persons who lost their lives. We may not ever know or even experience a dominoe effect from the root of a tragic instance as this one, but we can probably surmise the cause and effect without naming names because there is usually a similar scenario that goes back to the old testament in the Bible: A relationship begins, flourishes, goes sour, rejection, separation, hurt and anger.
How we mentally, spiritually and physically deal with these stages literally determine our destiny. Each situation, of course, is different, but how we handle ourselves affects so many people: family members, friends, neighbors, the city, law enforcement personnel. Let me explain:
Their deaths have caused the unspeakable pain for parents, children, brothers and sisters and friends. One murdered young man was an only child. His father was so distraught he couldn't bear to even attend the funeral. Imagine remembering holding a beautiful tiny baby, teaching him or her to walk, eat with a spoon and ride a bike, escorting them to class on their first day of school, watching them graduate with pride, and then having a stranger or angry person take it all away? Neighbors are shocked and saddened that their lives have been disrupted. Children are traumatized and experience nightmares. Law enforcement personnel work overtime, and usually require post traumatic counseling as well as a leave of absence, and city statistics are immediately changed by mandatory law - a murder took place in its jurisdiction so its index and rankings are immediately affected.
All of this from a relationship gone bad. What is the answer? There is no one good answer because it depends on the individual. When a person becomes so consumed with another, they take away from themselves and that may just be the root. Themselves. Loving yourself, regardless of the hurt and pain another bestows upon you may just be the key, or the start of walking away from a relationship that is headed in another direction. Giving reverence to God, and then placing yourself in that second spot in your heart, or just loving the heck out of yourself, may make the pain of a broken relationship a lot easier to absorb, evaluate, and then move on.
How we mentally, spiritually and physically deal with these stages literally determine our destiny. Each situation, of course, is different, but how we handle ourselves affects so many people: family members, friends, neighbors, the city, law enforcement personnel. Let me explain:
Their deaths have caused the unspeakable pain for parents, children, brothers and sisters and friends. One murdered young man was an only child. His father was so distraught he couldn't bear to even attend the funeral. Imagine remembering holding a beautiful tiny baby, teaching him or her to walk, eat with a spoon and ride a bike, escorting them to class on their first day of school, watching them graduate with pride, and then having a stranger or angry person take it all away? Neighbors are shocked and saddened that their lives have been disrupted. Children are traumatized and experience nightmares. Law enforcement personnel work overtime, and usually require post traumatic counseling as well as a leave of absence, and city statistics are immediately changed by mandatory law - a murder took place in its jurisdiction so its index and rankings are immediately affected.
All of this from a relationship gone bad. What is the answer? There is no one good answer because it depends on the individual. When a person becomes so consumed with another, they take away from themselves and that may just be the root. Themselves. Loving yourself, regardless of the hurt and pain another bestows upon you may just be the key, or the start of walking away from a relationship that is headed in another direction. Giving reverence to God, and then placing yourself in that second spot in your heart, or just loving the heck out of yourself, may make the pain of a broken relationship a lot easier to absorb, evaluate, and then move on.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 - Getting Along - The Power of One
I held a new hire orientation class on the eve of New Years Eve; so I thought it would be fun as an ice breaker to ask the participants what goals they held for the upcoming new year. The responses were standard: One wanted to lose weight, another wanted to complete an educational goal, a third said she and her husband were trying to have a baby in the upcoming year.
One very quiet new member of our team spoke softly when asked. Of Asian descent, her English words were pronounced carefully and precise; and her accent was strong. She said, "I want people to get along better. That is my wish." When I asked her to elaborate, she told me that when she came to this country about ten years ago, she obtained a job working at an adult education school. A man approached her and asked for directions. She said he spoke too fast, and it was difficult for her to understand him. When she asked him to repeat the question, he looked at her and said, 'Can't you speak English?' She told him that she could, it was just that her English was not that good. He replied, walking away, 'Then you shouldn't be working here.'
She told me she cried that day, and his insensitive comment will always be deeply embedded in her mind. 'It hurt me so much,' she revealed to the class, 'in ways he will never know.' She said, 'It took so much for me to come here, to get here for the opportunities - for work, school, and a better way of living.'
She continued: 'My uncle has been here in the states since 1922. He came as a young man, worked in San Francisco, and was rounded up and jailed for three months during the war, just for being Chinese.'
Curious as to where she was headed with this story, we continued to listen. 'He has seen so much, and is proud to be an American citizen. When I came over here, he told me, Thank God for Dr. (Martin Luther) King Jr. He would tell me over and over that Dr. King's legacy was so significant because he fought for equal rights of every person of color. So this year, I wish for people to recognize that every one has the right to be free from oppression and poverty. I wish for everyone to get along.'
Touched by her heartfelt wish, we all agreed. With 6.8 billion people on the earth, wishing for world peace sometimes sounds futile or lame, but then I thought later, 'It starts with one.' Dr. King, her uncle, Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, you and me. If everyone could influence one other person, what a difference it would make in the attitudes, comments and the thoughts of others. It would diminish prejudices, and ignorant assumptions that all people of one particular ethnic background are one and the same.'
So this year, for 2011, influenced by a Chinese girl insulted by a white man, but with the foresight to listen and heed the wise words of her Uncle influenced by a Black civil rights leader, I wish for world peace. One person at a time.
Peace, God Bless and Happy New Year.
One very quiet new member of our team spoke softly when asked. Of Asian descent, her English words were pronounced carefully and precise; and her accent was strong. She said, "I want people to get along better. That is my wish." When I asked her to elaborate, she told me that when she came to this country about ten years ago, she obtained a job working at an adult education school. A man approached her and asked for directions. She said he spoke too fast, and it was difficult for her to understand him. When she asked him to repeat the question, he looked at her and said, 'Can't you speak English?' She told him that she could, it was just that her English was not that good. He replied, walking away, 'Then you shouldn't be working here.'
She told me she cried that day, and his insensitive comment will always be deeply embedded in her mind. 'It hurt me so much,' she revealed to the class, 'in ways he will never know.' She said, 'It took so much for me to come here, to get here for the opportunities - for work, school, and a better way of living.'
She continued: 'My uncle has been here in the states since 1922. He came as a young man, worked in San Francisco, and was rounded up and jailed for three months during the war, just for being Chinese.'
Curious as to where she was headed with this story, we continued to listen. 'He has seen so much, and is proud to be an American citizen. When I came over here, he told me, Thank God for Dr. (Martin Luther) King Jr. He would tell me over and over that Dr. King's legacy was so significant because he fought for equal rights of every person of color. So this year, I wish for people to recognize that every one has the right to be free from oppression and poverty. I wish for everyone to get along.'
Touched by her heartfelt wish, we all agreed. With 6.8 billion people on the earth, wishing for world peace sometimes sounds futile or lame, but then I thought later, 'It starts with one.' Dr. King, her uncle, Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, you and me. If everyone could influence one other person, what a difference it would make in the attitudes, comments and the thoughts of others. It would diminish prejudices, and ignorant assumptions that all people of one particular ethnic background are one and the same.'
So this year, for 2011, influenced by a Chinese girl insulted by a white man, but with the foresight to listen and heed the wise words of her Uncle influenced by a Black civil rights leader, I wish for world peace. One person at a time.
Peace, God Bless and Happy New Year.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Crossing Paths - Spare Change
The other day I stopped at my friendly neighborhood drugstore to pick up a bottle of nail polish remover. As I parked near the front of the store, I saw a young black man in a long trench coat, standing about ten feet away from the front door. I sat in my car for a minute and watched as he politely spoke to every one who approached the door, but it didn't appear he was asking for money. As I continued to watch, I noticed he only asked of those who were exiting the store.
I thought about his routine for a moment as I walked up through the breezeway that led to the front door. It made sense, I thought, for him to ask for a handout after everyone had made their purchases, and then ask for 'spare change'. What is 'spare change?' Every penny in my purse is the fruit of my labor; and in my eyes there is no such thing as 'spare change.'
As I got closer, I became more curious as to why he was there. He didn't smile, but nodded at me as if we ran into each other every day. I kept walking and as I browsed through the store, shopping and selecting knick knacks I didn't need, I thought about the young man and wrestled with my thoughts; trying to decide if I would give him some 'spare change' if he asked for some.
I wondered what he was: a drug addict, a teenage father, an alcoholic, a thief. I berated myself for assuming the worse, but decided for my dollar that I was going to ask.
As I approached him, he looked directly at me and asked if I could spare some change.
Could I 'spare' some change? Not 'did I have some spare change?' The request for 'Spare change' had been shortened. For the first time, I understood.
I smiled at him, hoping to give him some encouragement and handed him a folded dollar bill. His face and jawline looked hard. I looked into his eyes. They looked young and sad. His clothes were not tattered; his shoes looked average, not new, but not too run down. I guessed he couldn't have been older than twenty years of age.
I asked him why was he out there. He looked surprised for a moment, then explained in a very humble and soft spoken voice:
"My girlfriend and I were in foster care. We're both eighteen now. We're trying to get a place together because we don't want to be apart. She just got a job down the street at Mickey D's - that helps a lot; but if I can get a few more dollars in the next couple of days we'll have enough for the first month's rent on a place we found. Right now we're sleeping in my car." I wished him luck and told him I would pray for him and his girlfriend and went on my way. He gave me a big smile, thanked me and said, "Thank you ma'm. I needed that."
We hear these stories every day, but when these situations stare you in the face, sometimes it catches you off guard. It is certainly a wake up call. I chided myself, thinking how I assumed so much because he was asking for a handout. I walked slowly back to my car. As I drove away, I saw him bend over and smile at a baby in a stroller as the child's mother dug through her purse for 'spare change.'
I thought about his story and hoped he was telling me the truth. A couple of weeks after this encounter, Gov. Scharwzenneggar signed into legislation to extend transitional foster care services to the age of 21. Currently children in the system are emancipated at age 18. I hope the young man and his girlfriend will be able to take advantage of this program and move forward with their lives.
I know we can't help everyone, but I think we can all make a difference, with brief words of encouragement, a prayer, sharing knowledge, and even a dollar, one person at a time. The next time someone asks for 'spare change' it may not just mean they need a dollar or two. If you have time, say a prayer, give them a smile, or a kind word to help them along the way.
I thought about his routine for a moment as I walked up through the breezeway that led to the front door. It made sense, I thought, for him to ask for a handout after everyone had made their purchases, and then ask for 'spare change'. What is 'spare change?' Every penny in my purse is the fruit of my labor; and in my eyes there is no such thing as 'spare change.'
As I got closer, I became more curious as to why he was there. He didn't smile, but nodded at me as if we ran into each other every day. I kept walking and as I browsed through the store, shopping and selecting knick knacks I didn't need, I thought about the young man and wrestled with my thoughts; trying to decide if I would give him some 'spare change' if he asked for some.
I wondered what he was: a drug addict, a teenage father, an alcoholic, a thief. I berated myself for assuming the worse, but decided for my dollar that I was going to ask.
As I approached him, he looked directly at me and asked if I could spare some change.
Could I 'spare' some change? Not 'did I have some spare change?' The request for 'Spare change' had been shortened. For the first time, I understood.
I smiled at him, hoping to give him some encouragement and handed him a folded dollar bill. His face and jawline looked hard. I looked into his eyes. They looked young and sad. His clothes were not tattered; his shoes looked average, not new, but not too run down. I guessed he couldn't have been older than twenty years of age.
I asked him why was he out there. He looked surprised for a moment, then explained in a very humble and soft spoken voice:
"My girlfriend and I were in foster care. We're both eighteen now. We're trying to get a place together because we don't want to be apart. She just got a job down the street at Mickey D's - that helps a lot; but if I can get a few more dollars in the next couple of days we'll have enough for the first month's rent on a place we found. Right now we're sleeping in my car." I wished him luck and told him I would pray for him and his girlfriend and went on my way. He gave me a big smile, thanked me and said, "Thank you ma'm. I needed that."
We hear these stories every day, but when these situations stare you in the face, sometimes it catches you off guard. It is certainly a wake up call. I chided myself, thinking how I assumed so much because he was asking for a handout. I walked slowly back to my car. As I drove away, I saw him bend over and smile at a baby in a stroller as the child's mother dug through her purse for 'spare change.'
I thought about his story and hoped he was telling me the truth. A couple of weeks after this encounter, Gov. Scharwzenneggar signed into legislation to extend transitional foster care services to the age of 21. Currently children in the system are emancipated at age 18. I hope the young man and his girlfriend will be able to take advantage of this program and move forward with their lives.
I know we can't help everyone, but I think we can all make a difference, with brief words of encouragement, a prayer, sharing knowledge, and even a dollar, one person at a time. The next time someone asks for 'spare change' it may not just mean they need a dollar or two. If you have time, say a prayer, give them a smile, or a kind word to help them along the way.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
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